Who Am I Now? Build Your Identity After Moving Abroad

Table of Contents

• TL;DR

• Key Takeaways

• Introduction

• Acknowledge and Write Down Your Current Feelings

• Explore and Reconnect with Your Core Value

• Practice Role Reversal Perspective Shift

• Cultural Detachment Practice

• Revisit Forgotten Passions and Interests

• Visualise Your Future Self Without External Expectations

• Build Supportive Connections with Fellow Immigrants

• FAQ

• Conclusion and Next Step

TL;DR

Moving abroad can shake your identity in a way that is hard to explain. You may have gone from being respected and understood to feeling like "the migrant starting again." That does not mean you have lost who you are; it means your identity is in a state of transition.

This article offers insight into what is happening beneath the surface and provides small practices you can try on your own. You will learn how to name what you feel, reconnect with your values, remember your strengths, loosen the grip of heavy rules, revive old interests, envision a future that fits you, and seek support with people who understand.

You are not starting from zero. You are building a grounded sense of self that can hold both your roots and your new life.

Key Takeaways

• Identity shock after migration is a common and understandable phenomenon. You are not failing; you are adjusting to a huge change.

• Writing about your experience helps your nervous system settle and allows your feelings to move beyond your body.

• Your core values act as an inner anchor while your outer world changes.

• Seeing yourself through the eyes of people who love you can soften the harsh voice you picked up after moving.

• Testing one cultural or family "rule" at a time reveals where you are bending too far away from yourself.

• Old interests and joys are still part of you and can remind you that you are more than visas, job titles, and forms.

• You do not have to do this alone; support and community make this work lighter and clearer.

Introduction

You used to know how to answer, "So, what do you do?"

In your home country, your work and your story were clear. People understood your job, your humour, your way of speaking, and your skills. You had a place, and you could feel your confidence in your body.

After moving abroad, that clear sense of self can crack. Your qualifications do not fall into the same category. Your accent stands out. You try to explain your background and see people's eyes glaze over. On paper, you are "the migrant starting again." Inside, you may quietly be thinking:

"Who am I now, if I am not who I was back home?"

This is more than missing home. It is an identity shock.¹ You have lost familiar roles, status, and community at the same time. It makes sense if you feel smaller, unsure, or like the confident version of you has gone quiet.

You are not starting from zero.
You are a skilled, sensitive, brave person in a tough season.

In this article, I want to help you understand what is happening under the surface and offer simple practices you can try on your own. Each section gives you:

• Insight: What is going on

• One small practice: A doable step

About this work: I am Hayley Sheppard, founder of Rooted & Rising. I relocated from South Africa to Australia over 18 years ago and rebuilt my identity in a new country, while raising four daughters and working full-time. These exercises come from that lived experience and from coaching skilled immigrants navigating the same identity fracture I once faced. They are designed to work even when you are tired.

Thank you for being here. It takes courage to look honestly at these questions, especially when you are already carrying so much.

Let us start with the part many people skip: how you actually feel.

1. Acknowledge and Write Down Your Current Feelings

Insight

A lot of skilled immigrants "just get on with it." You tell yourself you chose this, other people have it worse, and you should be grateful. On the outside, you continue to function. On the inside, there might be sadness, anger, shame, or fear that never really gets a voice.

When feelings have nowhere to go, they do not vanish. They manifest as tension in your body, trouble sleeping, snapping at people you love, or feeling flat and checked out. Writing things down does not make them bigger; it gives them a safe container so they are not only sitting in your chest or stomach.

Try this

Set a 10-minute timer. On paper, finish this sentence:

"What it is really like for me right now is..."

Keep writing without editing yourself. You can write in any language. If you get stuck, write "I do not know what to say, but I feel..." and see what comes next.

When the timer ends, pause. Take one slow breath. That is it. You do not have to fix what you wrote. The win is that your experience now exists outside your body.

2. Explore and Reconnect with Your Core Values

Insight

When you arrive in a new country, the obvious changes are things like the weather, food, transport, and work. Underneath that, something deeper shifts: the rules about what "success" looks like, what "respect" looks like, and what a "good life" looks like.

If you have been feeling off balance, it may be because your daily life is clashing with your values. Values are the things that matter most to you in how you live and treat people: fairness, family, faith, growth, safety, creativity, stability, and freedom.

When your days do not line up with your values, you feel it as quiet distress: "This does not feel like me, but I do not know why."

Try this

Think of three moments in your life (in any country, at any age) when you felt most like yourself. Times when you were proud, at peace, or "in your element."

For each moment, ask yourself:

"What mattered most to me in that moment?"

Maybe it was helping someone, learning something new, being honest, protecting your kids, standing up for yourself, or feeling connected to something larger than yourself, such as faith, purpose, or meaning.

Write one or two words for each moment. Then look at your list and circle the words that repeat or feel strong when you read them. Those are values you still care about, even if your current life does not align with them.

3. Practice Role Reversal Perspective Shift

Insight

In your new country, you often see yourself through the eyes of systems and strangers: job portals, rushed interviews, forms, and quick comments about your accent. Over time, this can turn into a harsh inner voice:

• "I am behind."

• "I am not enough."

• "People like me do not get far here."

But some people hold a completely different picture of you: family, long-term friends, former colleagues, and old managers. They have seen you solve problems, show up for others, lead, create, and care. That version of you still exists, even if you do not feel it strongly right now.

Try this

Choose one person who knows you well and genuinely believes in you: a friend, partner, sibling, parent, or ex-manager.

On paper, write their name and then answer these three questions as if they are speaking to you:

• "What do I admire most about you?"

• "When have I seen you at your strongest?"

• "What do I believe you bring to any room?"

Keep the answers short. Then read them back slowly.

Notice any words that stand out: patient, brave, kind, steady, creative, organised. These are strengths that did not stay in your home country. They are still part of you, even if they are tired or quiet just now.

What this looked like for one person

Marcus (not his real name), an engineer, wrote down what his former manager would say about him. The words that came out were: "You stay calm when everyone else panics. You solve problems other people give up on."

Reading those words back, he realised: "I have been so focused on what I have lost that I forgot I still do these things, every time I navigate a new system here, every time I figure out how things work without anyone explaining."

That shift, from "I have lost my confidence" to "my confidence is just being used differently," stayed with him through a difficult job search.

4. Cultural Detachment Practice

Insight

After moving, it is common to feel pulled in many directions at once. You might feel pressure from:

• Family or cultural expectations from your country of origin

• New cultural norms in the country you live in now

• Expectations from your profession or industry

Some of these expectations help you feel safe and connected. Others may leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, or fake. If you never question them, you may end up living by rules that no longer fit you.

You do not have to tear everything down. You can simply test one rule at a time.

Try this

Finish this sentence:

"One unspoken rule I feel I must follow is..."

Examples:

• "I must always say yes at work so I am not seen as difficult."

• "I must answer every call from home, even if I am exhausted."

• "I must never say how hard this is."
  

Once you have named the rule, ask yourself:

• "How do I feel when I follow this, in my body and in my mood?"

• "Which of my values does this support, and which does it crush?"

If it feels safe enough, choose one tiny way to soften that rule this week. For example, letting one call wait until you have rested, or saying "I can do that tomorrow" instead of "yes" to everything.

Then simply notice: do you feel lighter, heavier, or the same afterwards? That feedback tells you a lot.

5. Revisit Forgotten Passions and Interests

Insight

When you are in survival mode, your days can shrink to tasks: job applications, work, caring for others, sending money home, and dealing with forms and systems. Joy slides to the bottom of the list. You might even forget what you like.

But the things you used to enjoy, such as music, movement, stories, time in nature, making things, and learning, are part of your identity. They existed long before this move. You do not need a perfect life to have small pockets of that part of you again.

Try this

Write the heading:

"Things I used to enjoy"

List anything that comes to mind, from any stage of life: reading, drawing, dancing, playing sports, cooking, walking, singing, fixing things, gardening, talking for hours with a friend.

Then pick one thing from the list that:

• Feels possible with your current energy

• Takes 10 to 20 minutes

• Costs little or nothing

Put a time in your calendar this week to do just that one thing. Treat it like an appointment, not a maybe. Afterwards, ask yourself:

"Do I feel even a little bit more like myself than I did before?"

That tiny lift matters. It reminds your system that you are not only a worker, a problem solver, or a visa category. You are a whole person.

6. Visualise Your Future Self Without External Expectations

Insight

When you think about your future, it is easy for other people's voices to take over:

• "You should be at this level by now."

• "You should have bought a house by this age."

• "You should just be grateful to be there."

It is challenging to make decisions that align with you if you do not know what you actually want. Visualising your future self is not about designing a perfect life; it is about listening to what genuinely matters to you, beyond pressure and performance.

Try this

Set a 10-minute timer. On a fresh page, write:

"Ten years from now, a day in my life looks like..."

Then describe, in simple sentences:

• Where you wake up and what your home feels like

• Who, if anyone, is living with you

• What kind of work or study do you do?

• How do you spend your evening?

• What gives your life meaning (relationships, purpose, faith, creativity, service, whatever feels true)

• How do you feel as you go to bed?

When you are done, underline the parts that feel warm or right in your body. Those are clues. PerhapsMaybe you value care most about calmness, respect, time with family, health, creativity, or community, more than status or other people's opinions.

Let one of those underlined words stay with you this week and ask:

"What is one small thing I could do that moves me 1 percent closer to this?"

It might be as simple as taking a short walk, a message to a friend, reading about a new path, or updating a CV.

7. Build Supportive Connections with Fellow Immigrants

Insight

You can do a lot on your own, but identity does not grow in isolation. If you spend most of your time alone or with people who do not understand migration, it is easy to start thinking, "Maybe I am the only one who feels like this", or "Maybe I am just too sensitive."

Being around people who share some part of your story does not remove every challenge, but it can reduce shame and loneliness. Hearing "me too" from someone who gets it lands differently.

Try this

Ask yourself:

"What kind of people would feel good to connect with right now?"

For example:

• Skilled migrants in your field

• Parents raising kids away from extended family

• People from your home culture in your city

• Immigrants who are a few steps ahead of you

Choose one small action to move toward that:

• Search for a local or online group

• React to a post you relate to

• Reply with a short "I feel this too"

• Send a brief message to someone whose story feels familiar

You do not have to share everything. You are just opening the door a little. Pay attention to how you feel afterwards, heavier, lighter, or no change, and let that guide where you put your energy next.

FAQ

1. Is it normal to feel like I have lost myself after moving abroad?

Yes. You have stepped out of almost every structure that once told you who you were. Feeling lost, small, or unsure is a normal response, not a sign that you are weak or ungrateful.

2. How long will it take to feel like myself again?

There is no single timeline. For some people, things feel easier after months; for others, it takes years. What matters more than speed is direction: are you slowly moving toward a life that suits you, and are you getting the support you need when you need it?

3. What if my family and friends do not understand what I am going through?

That can hurt deeply. You can share small, honest parts of your experience with people who feel safe, but you may also need spaces where you do not have to explain the basics, such as time with other migrants, in community groups, or with a coach or therapist.

4. What if I cannot feel my values or passions at all?

This often means you have been in a state of stress for an extended period. Start very small: one honest sentence about how you feel, one memory of a time you felt like yourself, one tiny moment of enjoyment. Over time, those small things start to wake up parts of you that have gone quiet.

5. Can I build a new identity and still honour my culture and family?

Yes. This is not about choosing one over the other. It is about carrying your roots with you while making room for the person you are becoming. You can hold onto traditions and bonds that feel loving and alive, and gently loosen patterns that only bring fear or shame.

Conclusion and Next Step

If you have read this far, you probably know the feeling of looking at your life and thinking, "I do not quite recognise myself anymore."

Moving abroad has not erased who you are. It has pulled you into a season where your identity is being reshaped. That is hard work, even for strong, capable people.

In this article, you have explored how to:

• Name your real feelings

• Notice your core values

• See yourself through kinder eyes

• Question heavy rules

• Touch old parts of yourself that still matter

• Imagine a future built from your truth

• Reach for support with people who understand

You are not broken, and you are not behind. You are in the midst of building a new, integrated sense of self that holds your past, your present, and your hopes simultaneously.

This season is shaping you. There is meaning in this journey, even when it hurts.

Thank you for reading this far. It means you are willing to do the quiet, inner work that so many people skip. That matters.

Your next step this week

Choose one of the practices in this article. Just one.

Write it down and add it to your calendar as a real appointment with yourself. Give it ten minutes. Then notice how you feel afterwards. That is where change starts: not in a giant plan, but in small, repeatable acts of care for your inner world.

If you would like company and guidance with this, you do not have to do it alone.

On a Clarity Call, we can:

• Untangle what is happening beneath the surface

• Spot where your identity feels squeezed or shut down

• Map out simple steps to help you build confidence and belonging in your new life

You can book your call here:
👉www.hayleysheppard.com/claritycall

About the Author

Hayley Sheppard is a skilled immigrant, mother of four, and founder of Rooted & Rising. After relocating from South Africa to Australia over 18 years ago, she rebuilt her identity while raising daughters and working in educational leadership. She now coaches skilled immigrants who want to feel whole again, not just "the immigrant," but the capable, grounded person they have always been.