Feeling Blessed Through Hard Times

Some fun times in the last month.

Adrian spent Easter in the hospital, but we dressed him up and made the most of it. Started third chemo cycle (has about 6 months total hopefully he finishes in September). He’s losing his hair, but it’s not fully gone yet. It’s toughest on him the week after an intense chemo round when he gets neutropenic (or pancytopenic as he did in his last round requiring blood and platelet transfusions).

He turns two in a couple of weeks on May 16 and we pray that he will be able to spend at home.

I used to wonder why this happened to him. I used to think that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I would blame myself — is this karmic revenge for all of the bad things that I had ever done in this (or other) lifetime(s)? I would think why me? Why him? It’s so unfair that a child should suffer from cancer at such a young age and I would take it on for him.

But then I remembered that this is just a thought. A story I’m telling myself. It is a mindset issue. An underlying feeling of playing a victim, not in control of my circumstance and my life. And a thought can be changed.

What if you could find the gift and Grace in the worst moment in your life? Wouldn’t that be the secret to happiness and beauty and love that is accessible at any time?

I remembered that life doesn’t happen to me, but rather life happens for me.

While I can’t control the external things that happen, I can control my internal approach. I can control how I respond to things.

So what are the gifts that I have found from Adrian going through this?

I’ve learned to prioritize my family and quality time with them.

I’ve learned to be even more present with Adrian and truly appreciate the time that I get so spend with this sweet, happy baby.

I’ve learned to appreciate the strength of my wife Alicia Tran, Adrian’s primary care giver and guardian.

I’ve grown closer to my extended family who all have deepened their bonds to us and Adrian.

I’ve found love and compassion and support from friends and even strangers.

I’ve learned the importance of self care to bring my full presence to my family, to my work, and to others.

I’ve learned to extend Grace to others who are suffering. They say that hurt people hurt people. I’ve learned that the only response to pain is compassion. And while I’m no mother Teresa, I find that now I am more easily able to see through the illusion when others are suffering.

When people respond by lashing out with fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, they are hurting. And I love them and wish them well and have compassion for them more than I ever did before.

We never really know what others are going through. But we are all on the same sort of journey. And of course life is impermanent. We get a temporary pass to live on Earth for maybe 100 years, or maybe a lot shorter of a time span. I’ve had the privilege of learning just how special this time we have together is. I look forward to making the most of it. And I wish you well on your journey too!