So… What Is a Toxic Relationship, Anyway?

Lately, I’ve been hearing the words toxic person and toxic relationship floating around in everyday conversation. And sure, they make sense. Most of us can think of a person or relationship that has some… less-than-healthy tendencies. But do we actually mean the same thing when we use those words? And if you do feel like a relationship in your life might be toxic—what then?

Here’s the funny thing: neither Dictionary.com nor Wikipedia has an official definition. (Urban Dictionary does, but that can be a bit of a wild ride.) So let’s suss this out together.

Here’s a working definition that feels grounded and true to me:

A toxic person is someone whose patterns of behavior consistently drain, manipulate, undermine, or emotionally harm others—often leaving stress, confusion, or self-doubt in their wake.

And a toxic relationship is one where ongoing interactions leave one or both people feeling depleted, unsafe, controlled, diminished, or emotionally exhausted—rather than supported, respected, or valued.

Some words really stand out here: drain, manipulate, undermine… depleted, unsafe, diminished.

Whew. That landed heavier than I expected when I sat down to write this.

So let me pause and say this clearly: we are all humans down here, doing the best we can with the resources, awareness, and emotional skills we have. Naming something as “toxic” does not mean:

• the other person is evil or broken

• there is no love, care, or shared history

• you are weak for staying or struggling

• you must immediately cut someone out of your life

We’re a messy, complicated species. Put two complicated humans in a relationship, toss in some old baggage, and things can get real—fast.

And yes, sometimes we truly need to interact with someone who feels toxic: a co-worker, an ex you co-parent with, a parent, a neighbor. I’m not suggesting you quit your job, move across the country, or stage a dramatic family exile.

What I am suggesting is this: boundaries are an inside job.

I’ve seen again and again that when someone shows up for themselves—doing the inner healing work—their experience of the world changes. Triggers soften. Dynamics shift. People respond differently. Circumstances change. It can feel almost miraculous. (And maybe it is.)

You don’t have to confront, explode, or “just deal with” someone who leaves you feeling drained or unsafe. You can take the pain, frustration, dread, anger—whatever’s there—and shift it.

For yourself.

Permission slips (feel free to take one… or all):

• You’re allowed to name what feels bad—without villainizing anyone.

• You’re allowed to want ease, safety, and respect in your relationships.

• You’re allowed to protect your energy, even if others don’t understand.

• You’re allowed to choose inner peace over endless managing.

Be gentle with yourself.

I’m cheering you on.