I started writing about my anxiety as a way to coach myself through it, but also to try and help others who might be suffering. Sometimes when I write I get energised by it and remind myself of everything I've overcome in the last 2 years, that I'm still standing and facing this thing head on, that it hasn't beaten me. Sometimes I need that reminder even more because it often still feels like s***, a little less s*** but s*** still the same!

If I think back to this time last year I could hardly walk from my bedroom to the dining room, I would wake up dizzy as if the room was spinning and I'd feel cold icy liquid running through my veins, immediately my mind would tell me something was wrong and the fire alarm in my head would start blaring at full pelt,"emergency, emergency your dying!" When I stood up to walk to the bathroom my legs would turn to jelly and I would wobble on my feet, I'd have to lean against the wall to balance myself, my mind would be scanning my body trying to work out what was wrong, what did I need to do to fix it. Every movement, every breath caused panic, my whole body shaking. There was no respite, day after day the same thing. I was spending 15/16hrs a day in my bedroom out of fear of moving and the uncomfort in my body. It was horrific.

Fast forward to today and I just completed an intense 45 min workout on the punchbag, during the workout I felt pretty good, I felt alive, but when I stop that's when the crash happens My body goes into panic, the tightness in my stomach, the blurry vision, the slight wobble of the legs. You start to ask yourself why? How dd I just do 45 mins working out and now feel like I'm going to collapse and can't walk. That familiar feeling of fear washes over your body. "FFS, here we go again" I just want to get on with my day, but my mind and body have a different idea, they want me to pay attention to all the symptoms happening in my body, they want me gripped by the fear. I try my hardest to ignore it, not to scan my body and think of everything that feels wronng, to tell myself I've been here before, I'm not going to die, this is just my body recovering from the increased stress levels a workout brings on.

A couple of hours later and my body hasn't recovered, I still feel the tightness in my stomach, the tension and fear in my shoulders and chest, my eyes still go a little blurry every now and again. I still have that little voice in the back of my head going off like a fire alarm asking me to check in and if everything is ok. I try and tell myself I'm ok, but then a missed breath makes me jump and twitch nervously. "I'm ok, it's just nervous energy leaving the body. I have a headache, I feel dizzy!" "So what!" I tell myself, trying to convince myself I'm ok.

Right now, I don't feel ok, I feel s***, I just want to be recovered, I want to workout and feel energised after, I want to go about life again, without feeling the panic. But looking at the bigger picture, here I am a year later, working out, moving again, pushing myself to do things. Yea things might still be s*** but they are a little less s*** than they were.

I'm making progress, I'm not giving into the fear, I am doing the best I can to live life on my terms rather than letting anxiety determine what I can and can't do. Ok I need a few hours extra to recover after I workout and I can't just go onto the next task straight away but I'm working out, I'm moving, I'm alive and that'll do for now!

Will the panic ever stop? Will my body ever feel normal again? Yes, I have to believe it will! look how far I've come in the last year!

Remember the only way out is through!