I’m writing this blog in a couple of parts in real time.

Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone

I wrote a blog earlier today (yesterday when I post this) about my brother and I going to the pub last night and feeling really anxious and uncomfortable while there, and how today I was going to push through the discomfort again and go to the pub with friends to watch the footy.

My brother was going to drive, as I’m still not driving, but he woke up not feeling well and decided not to go.

I actually felt a sense of relief as I was feeling anxious about going, and I thought I’d gotten out of it without having to make an excuse about my anxiety again.

But then “disaster struck” one of my mates offered to pick me up in the group chat. Now I had a decision to make.

When Relief Turns Into Fear

This is me really stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m already feeling anxious. I’ve had a tension headache all morning and felt wobbly on my feet, like I’m going to fall over. So going somewhere I don’t know well, having no way “to escape”, feels huge. My body is literally shaking as I write this.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I want to go and watch the football and join all the banter with my mates, but my body is reacting with fear for no reason or none that I can understand anyway.

Anticipatory Anxiety

I guess this is what they call anticipatory anxiety. When you imagine worst case scenarios before they even happen. I’m anxious about my anxiety and how I’ll cope with that. What a stupid paradox to be caught in!

Anyway, let’s see how it goes. I’ve said yes and thanked him for the offer of a lift.

Committing Anyway in Spite of Anxiety

Now I’ve committed to going and had a shower ready to go, the initial wave of panic has subsided a bit. I can still feel the nervous tension in my body, the heavy breathing and that slight buzzy feeling. But I’m starting to think straighter again and from a calmer place. I’m looking forward to going out with a little less trepidation. I’m riding the wave of anxiety.

This feels like a big moment in my recovery, another step towards being independent again, but also it is just one moment. I don’t want to pin my hopes on it. I have to remember recovery isn’t linear. This might be a step forward, it could be a step back. I’ll try not to dwell on it.

It's Good to Talk

I’m never sure whether to tell people how I’m feeling or that I’m struggling with anxiety. I know I’m writing a blog about it, but in person that feels different. It feels more vulnerable. So I didn’t know whether to tell my mate giving me a lift or not. They know because I’ve told them in the past and been open about my struggles, but I don’t want to keep bringing it up.

In the end, I decided to text him before he arrived and say I was a bit on edge, as I thought that would help me calm down.

Driving Anxiety

During the car journey over he was asking me about it, and to be honest that helped me settle a bit. It was like I had released a pressure valve. I was relieved when we pulled into the car park though, as I was starting to feel really tense again. But the car journey itself had gone well. Gone are the days when I’d have to ask people to pull over so I could calm down.

Walking into the pub to meet everyone, I wasn’t sure how my body was going to react. I was bracing myself for it to go sideways. I said my hellos and sat down.

I managed to stay sat for the whole game (bar a couple of trips to the men’s room), which is big progress too. When I’ve been across the road to watch the football before, I’ve often had to stand up to watch it, as I’ve felt uncomfortable sitting and standing feels like it gives me more control.

When Anxiety Turns the Volume Up

Throughout the game I kept noticing different sensations. I swear anxiety gives you some kind of superpower to feel everything in or around your body. I could feel my socks on my feet and my shoes felt too tight. That moved to my neck feeling really warm, before it was my jeans feeling too tight. Things you’d never normally notice, but in a heightened state I seem to tune into every sensation in the body.

In the background I could also feel that “gentle” buzzing sensation that makes you feel like you’re shaking. It’s never pleasant, but compared to how I’ve been in the past this was bearable and more like mild background noise.

Learning to Stay Present

I was able to join in the conversation throughout the game. Sometimes I could feel myself speaking too fast, like I just wanted to say what needed to be said so I could be quiet again. I’m not sure if that’s even noticeable to anyone else, but to me it feels fast and like I have to work harder to get my words out.

At times I did feel a little uneasy, but I was able to block out a lot of the discomfort and I wasn’t clock watching like I used to.

When Bodily Discomfort Shows Up Again

Towards the end of the game I could feel myself struggling to breathe because I was so tense. It’s like a stitch across your rib cage that feels really tight. I had to work hard at blocking out the thoughts of wanting to leave. But that level of discomfort was nothing like it used to be.

When I experienced discomfort before, it would stop me being able to do anything. I definitely couldn’t interact with people. And I definitely couldn’t have lasted the whole game.

Conversations About Anxiety and Fitness

During the match a couple of my mates asked if I was ready to start playing football again, so I told them about my workout struggles at the moment caused by anxiety and how taking a few weeks off from any exercise at all has helped calm my general anxiety and reduce the amount of adrenaline in my body. I want to play again. I’m just not ready yet.

Getting Home and Taking Stock

I’m back home now, sitting here feeling proud of myself. That was not easy, and it was a big step for me. I could easily have stayed at home and continued to feel uncomfortable in the comfort of my own home, but I know that isn't living and I want to live my life in spite of Anxiety, I don't want to be here in a few years time managing my anxiety, so I need to face the discomfort now and retrain my nervous system and the only way I can do that is by facing the fear and doing it anyway.

I’m making a real concious effort to focus on all the things that went well and not the things that didn't like struggling to drink my drink due to not being able to swallow. In the past when I've pushed myself and felt uncomfortable I've beaten myself up about it and focused on all the things I didn't do well and that just get me more frustrated and stuck in the negativity loop. Today was about being out and doing it, rather than doing it perfectly.

What Today Taught Me About Anxiety

So today I learned that I can do things in spite of anxiety. That the anticipation can sometimes be worse than the actual event. And that the expectation of things going wrong was learned from when I was at my worst and not where I am now.

Right nNow I have more knowledge about what’s going on in my body and more tools in my locker to deal with it. I have more evidence that it’s not as bad anymore as it once was. And that’s progress.

The Only Way Out Is Through

Arsenal lost to Man United, which would normally ruin my weekend, but the score didn’t matter today. This was about me and my progress and how far I've come. It was about me going out on my own again and facing my demons head on. Sitting with the discomfort and embracing it. As long as Arsenal go on to win the league, all can be forgiven.

Until next time remember the only way out is through!