I wasn’t sure how to feel this morning!

I’ve recently been pushing myself more and more to get out of the comfort zone that I’d created myself because I have hated the sensations in my body and how they make me feel.

Every time I go out I feel panicked and feel the sensations in my body and all I want to do is leave but I’ve been pushing through and making myself stay. I usually wake up the next day exhausted and not really able to function well. The last 2-3 weeks I’ve been doing more and more outside my comfort zone and each time I’ve struggled but I’ve kept pushing determined to not let the anxiety win. I keep telling myself the only way out is through.

Last night I went out to a pub that I’ve not been to before and it was ram packed. It had the potential for me to have a panic attack. I remember a few months ago I couldn’t even sit in a quiet cafe with my family looking after me. I’d have to leave after 2 mins.

Last night I could feel that wave of anxiety symptoms coming on and I couldn’t drink my drink. I just held it in my hand.

But as I stood with the feelings I forced myself to join in with the conversation. Something that has been really difficult for me. I felt myself stuttering at first and getting my words muddled up. This used to freak me out that I was losing my mind or having a stroke. But I kept telling myself it was just anxiety and nervous arousal and prayed that it would pass.

As the night went on something happened and almost suddenly I felt normal again. I actually felt alive and like my old self. I was joining in the conversation naturally, making jokes and feeling human again. it was such a good feeling and given me real hope I can overcome this for good. I still had pangs of anxiety where I felt my breath off and my stomach tighten but I just rode with it. I stopped trying to fight it. I finally relaxed into it.

It feels like such a breakthrough. I’m scared to get carried away because I know there is probably a long road ahead still but that small window into feeling normal again has made me feel 10ft tall.

Part of me this morning is still checking in with myself that I’m ok. I’m searching for the symptoms that have been with me everyday for almost 2 years, scared they will still come up. It’s a nice but weird feeling to be normal again at home in my own body.