What to do when you tried to stop but started picking again...

Before I give my pointers on this, I want to go a little deeper.

To skip the value behind these pointers, scroll to the bottom of the page. You’ll see the list there xx.

WHEN YOU START PICKING AGAIN…

I know this place. That shift from hope, motivation and determination, from “I’ve got this!” to “What the fuck is wrong with me?” The taste of yet another failure is tangy with a sticky, dark shame. The energy rushes from your body leaving you feeling empty, alone, and deeply disappointed in yourself.

In the 14 years I’ve struggled with dermatillomania I’ve been to this place more times than I can count, and each time seemed to cement me deeper into this addiction than the last. At some point I asked myself “Why fight it? Why not just accept that this is who I am… It doesn’t look too bad.”

With that thought I’d breathe a sigh of relief and let myself drift into the world just outside of

reality. The world that only skin picking could whisk me away to. Where the chaos and noise shut its fat-gob for a blissful hour or so... Until I had to step back into reality. Back into a numbed, muted world where the undercurrent was no longer that blissful silence but my shame and self-loathing.

It's ok though, I just have to learn how to accept myself…

Yes… and no. I think we get this twisted.

YOUR INDENTITY AND SKIN PICKING

Where we get it twisted is when we accept skin picking as who we are rather than a misguided action that we do. A kinder and more helpful way to look at it is that skin picking something we’re unlearning - that it’s a process with its own ups and downs and sometimes the downs really suck.

Skin picking is not an extension of your character or personality. What it can be is a tool to reconnect with our authentic self which is inevitably how we heal and leave this addiction behind.

The thing that is supressing you will be the thing that sets you free.

WHERE THE DISCONNECT BEGAN

Our Authentic Self is who we are without all the conditioning from our past and society. It’s you without the mask. It’s who you were as a child when you were still unapologetically yourself. Before you learnt to hide the parts of your Authentic Self that don’t receive love and acceptance.

Rejecting a child’s authentic expression of themselves fuels feelings of shame, embarrassment, and fear because for much of human history to be rejected by your tribe meant to be left alone to fend for yourself which was basically a death sentence. To survive a child needs to ensure they are loved and accepted by their tribe. If this means hiding parts of their authentic self, then so be it.

WHAT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE?

Shame and embarrassment are feelings that help us to fit-in to society. They help us figure out what’s socially acceptable and what’s not. Feeling embarrassed or ashamed is not inherently bad; it just depends on your conditioning.

For example, if you were pushed away when you cried (“toughen up”, “what do you have to be sad about?”) you would have learnt to feel shame and embarrassment around sadness. On the flip side, if you were embraced in your sadness, you never would have learnt that this was something “socially unacceptable.”

Another example is people who play loud music on public transport. If you or I were to do that, we would be deeply embarrassed, even ashamed of our behaviour. It’s because of these emotions that we simply wouldn’t do it. Certain other people, on the other hand, don’t seem to give a shit and I guarantee they never learnt from their tribe to feel shame or embarrassment around this behaviour… unfortunately.

WAS YOUR AUTHENTICITY ACCEPTED?

Who you truly are is nothing to be ashamed of yet if you were shamed as a child for your authentic expression, whether that be in your actions or in how you displayed emotion, you would have learnt that parts of your Authentic Self were not lovable. That your authentic expression was negative. That parts of you at your core are negative and unlovable.

When we learn this lesson, we begin to associate things that make us feel shame and embarrassment as aspects of our authentic self. The shame felt around skin picking turns it into a dark expression of our authenticity. One we just can’t seem to hide from the outside world no matter how hard we try.

The thing is...

There is no dark side to your authentic self.

Your dark side (also called your shadow) are the different parts of you that you learnt to hide because they weren’t accepted at some point in your life. As an adult, you have the power to undo that. You can unconditionally love and accept these parts of yourself so you can reconnect with your authenticity. Reignite your flame.

WHAT YOU ALWAYS DESERVED...

If you feel shame, you still deserve love and acceptance. If you feel embarrassed, it does not make you less than. Your emotions do not determine your worth. Skin picking is not who you are, it’s how you’ve learnt to cope with and suppress the parts of yourself you feel ashamed and embarrassed of. It’s a tool.

We can unlearn skin picking by learning new tools for dealing with our emotions that help us to identify, feel, express, and sit with them rather than suppress them. When we learn to healthily interact with our emotions, skin picking as a tool becomes less and less useful. Eventually you will replace it completely with better, shinier tools.

These new, shiny tools help us in the times that we fail to stop skin picking. They allow us to become curious about the lesson lying underneath the pain because they give us a way to deal with the pain. Armed with this and our curiosity we are able to forge a path forward through the shame, embarrassment and disappointment. What lies on the otherside is your authentic self.

CURIOSITY IS THE CURE

You hold all the answers to healing from skin picking! Skin picking is your indicator that you’ve hit another growth point. You’re ready to unlock another level to yourself. To step in a little deeper and connect a little more to those parts of yourself you’ve kept hidden away in your shadow.

All of you deserves to feel the warmth of light. You always have and you always will.

Now, here’s my list of pointers for what to do when you’ve tried to stop picking but started again:

1. Get curious about WHY you started again. Questions to ask yourself:

- What was I trying to suppress?

- Was it anxiety this time? Overwhelm? Boredom? Excitement?

- How can I better interact with this emotion?

- How can I better manage it when it comes up?

- What can I do differently?

- How can I grow from this?

- How can I heal my relationship with this part of myself?

2. Be compassionate. Hold space for the pain you’re feeling. You deserve it regardless.

3. Trust, even while you’re in that pain that you are moving forward.

4. Find someone to talk to or a community to interact with that makes you feel seen and

validated.

5. Work on it with a coach or a therapist to propel the healing process.

6. Write down a list of healthy self-soothing techniques you can engage-in in certain situations.

7. Write down your triggers and what self-soothing techniques might help you with each one.